Try to Keep Your Head Up to the Sky

I've been downloading a collection of the "top 250 songs of the 90s" off of BitTorrent, and the first song in the compilation is Des'ree's You Gotta Be. Listening to it brings me back to 1995, when my hair was even wilder than it is now, and my glasses took up half my face; I used to fall asleep with the radio on, and the blissful hour or so before my body finally plunged into sleep was my favorite time of the day, since I could just lie there, in the (relative, thanks to my night-light) darkness, and dream up scenarios for each of the songs that would be played.

You Gotta Be was one of Lunar's songs. I'm not particularly sure why it was one of Lunar's songs, but it was, and my mind would become filled with images of her adventures whenever the song came on the radio. More than that, though, it was one of my songs, because, as campy and awful as it may be, there was something in the song that part of me needed even twelve years ago.

Today's been a bad day for me. To be honest, the past few days have all been bad days for me, and while most of the time I can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong (save my current, erm, physical issues), I just haven't felt as happy as I know I should be. There's nothing wrong, there's no real reason for me to be depressed, but all I want to do is hide away in my air-conditioned room and be left alone.

This is dumb and this is pointless, because 19 days is really not all of that long a time (we board the plane early morning 20 days from now, so 19 more full days is a valid count, I think), but in my current state it feels like forever. (Although, I admit, writing it out like that did put it back into much needed perspective. Thanks, BlogSpot.)

I haven't felt so constantly depressed in well over a year. I've been thinking about it, and I really do think it comes down to two things: my inability to take care of myself here (because of both bureaucratic reasons and linguistic ones) and my lack of decent friends. I'm not looking for real great friends, because that's being unrealistic, but just somebody I can talk to for an extended period of time without feeling stupid, annoying, or frustrated. I'm sure being antisocial isn't helping any, but today it's just been hard to find the energy.

It makes me realize that the two things most important to me are my independence and my loved ones, because, seriously, life sucks without either. If I had the ability to converse or a close friend here, my experience would be much different, I think; I'm an explorer at heart (blame my star sign) and I'd love to be able to really relish this. And on some days I can, even with my broken Chinese and my awkward conversation.

But today, I just feel like crud, and this endless stomach bug is not helping me any.

Maybe 23 year old Melissa needs this song too, huh?

Listen as your day unfolds,
challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted,
don't be shamed to cry
You gotta be..

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold,
you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough,
you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm,
you gotta stay together.
All I know, all I know
Love will save the day